Hello universe! It has been a while. Christmas is all around the corner and everyone gets busy, but you are a big part of me, so I’m back to reminiscence.
It all started from here. Tita passed her licensure in PNLE in 2023. I am working as an extra in her facility as an “associate psychometrician”. I’m not really doing “psychology stuff” but more of preparing medical certificates and medical abstracts. These make me develop curiosity and interest in behavior and in mind, really wanting me to survive college and to have a license soon.
October 2024. The month that my reviewee days started. I’m a working reviewee when I enrolled as the fee for the review center is kinda costful, so mom and I can share on the expenses. I decide to enroll in an online homebased setup, together with a friend, because it will be less hassle to wake up early, take time to commute, the time, effort and the energy. I take the weekend off from work, as the refresher and the booster classes are on weekends. The challenge starts early. It is really hard to wake up at 8am in the morning. My medicine keeps dozing me off, if not, I am too groggy to actually comprehend and watch.
PPLE Journey : BOOSTER Mock Board 🌱
One month after that, the mock exams arrive. And to be honest, I don’t really know what the heck I am literally doing. Like, I will read the questions, but will get lazy and tired on number 20 to number 50, up to the point that I am not really reading the questions and just choosing any letter — sometimes with a pattern or mini-mi-nimo but most of the time, I just choose what letter I first see. And I have been tolerating this habit for my whole journey, not until a month before PPLE.
My PPLE Journey: Determined to get that license soon! 🌱
My working reviewee status lasts until May. If I am being honest, it is really hard to study while working and doing extracurricular activities. I’m worn out after work, plus the time and effort it requires in esports not to mention that I have to drink my medicine once a week which actually takes two days before I can go back from being asleep. To make up with my lost times, sometimes, I really have to be absent just to review and to catch up with my reading.
January comes. I make a reading guide/log for my lessons. Following a hectic/compressed schedule is hard. I am not that disciplined and mentally prepared everytime my alarm goes off. I’m really crying everytime, but I have no option because, personally, I will rather spend a year of hardship if I will be able to live a comfortable and better life after. Not bad trading right?
My PPLE Journey: June — a full-time reviewee 🌱
My working reviewee moment ends in the month of May. June enters the year, and I am now a full-time reviewee and intensive review will start on June 2. This is a very hard decision for me. Taking a leave at work will means:
1. No online shopping. No parcels.
2. No McDonalds on sad days.
3. No small trinkets on happy days.
4. No small trips to mall
5. No taking home things from the mall.
Well, we all make sacrifices so better make it count. Not having online shopping and parcels for a few months is very saddening, but it will make me more sad if I can’t buy things after all the hardships and sacrifices I make, right? So I make myself believe and trust myself more that I can survive these few months without these few tiny grandiosity.
Wait, I am not really sure.
Oh, wait. I can do it. For the sake of content creation, blogging and everything interesting! For the future, I can do it, I can make it happen!
My PPLE Journey: Study life in a Hospital 🌱
My go-to study essential.
July comes. Mom is sending me allowances from time to time, and it is kind of hard to budget it. There are lots of things I wanna buy, specially, when I realize that having a study corner is really making me more productive and efficient in studying compare in studying on my bed, where it always feels like the blanket, the pillow and the mattress are all rocking me like a baby in a cradle, so, I decide to set up my study corner from my allowances. And allocating my funds to everything that I want and need to buy, just can’t cover it all. That makes me sad. I think I really have to buy stuff for my study corner, little by little. I already learned the value of great things happening to those who wait, so maybe I'm on the right track, don’t you think? Do I even have a right to give up on my impulses now that I am broke? Can I schedule my manic episode next year?
I received the bad news. Mom is confined in a hospital. When I received the call from my sister, asking about my schedule and availability, I thought of having a vacation in the province. But when my sister told me that Mom is confined and she needs someone to look after her, my blood runs cold in my spine. I pack my things the next morning and travel back home.
Good thing that my hotspot is stronger than any deadspot in the ward. HAHAHAHAHAHA
Globe, you are a lifesaver. And since I am enrolled online, lectures are recorded for a definite time. Really worked for me.
I am able to explore around the hospital whenever I buy medicines or buy my food, or pay bills for my mom, and I see the Rehabilitation Department. Rehabilitation is more, like, physical therapy. Then I noticed the Occupational Therapy room. This inspires me even more in studying, paying more attention to my studies and to take it more seriously.
Well, studying in the hospital is kind of enjoyable, because there are a lot of people awake. There are people coming in to check on my mom, to bring her medicines and stuff, so it is actually nice. I enjoyed it a lot, plus the aircon, so it is not just nice, it is really, really nice.
My PPLE Journey: Working on my study hours 🌱
My PPLE Journey: One month to go, FIGHTING! 🌱
August is here. Just one more month and the board exam is happening. I try to keep my calm, but the recent happenings are kind of making me anxious. I will be staying here with mom for the whole month of August. I know, it gonna be challenging, for I have to take care of mom — feed her, bathe her, make sure she drinks her medicines and give her snacks. I also have to do chores because my sister works the night shift. I have to clean sometimes, cook for dinner, wash the dishes and if there’s a parcel delivery.
It is tough, and I really take my time to study if I have the time. Not to mention the tiredness for all of the chores. I am not just physically tired, but also mentally. I feel like I’m a zombie. I still get time to rest in the morning, but I take that time to review, sometimes, I sleep it off, then I’ll grind studying at siesta and after dinner.
These stay longer in my bed than I do.
All the hardships, I take it all as a challenge. One thing I really love about myself, as a bipolar person, I am always up to the challenges. The excitement, satisfaction and fulfillment is really addicting. So even though I am struggling, I can’t even chat with my friends during those times, it’s fine. This will make me a better person. This is growth.
But there’s a side of me who is actually worried. I also have whatifs. I also have doubts. I am, too, scared. But the best thing that I can do is to study. No matter how hard my day is, even for 30 mins, or an hour, I am able to read one page or one topic, that is still an improvement. It is still a step ahead and a journey of a thousand miles starts with one step.
My PPLE Journey: Self-grounding Moments 🌱
Before actually leaving Metro Manila and coming back home, Menki and I actually got a new tablet from Samsung. It's installment, so not that a big expense. And staying at home with mom for a month feels like I am in a different universe. I live in a barrio, too far from the city and I can't even get a caramel macchiato, like I used to when I am stressed in Mandaluyong. I can't have too much soda, as mom monitors it — I have diabetes. And when I am having an episode, like, if I wanna buy something, like small trinkets, it is hard to find something that I really want. So posting contents about bipolar, validates me and gives me the ecstacy of buying something. And this experience, teaches me a lot about grounding myself from buying stuff that I don't really want.
And the worst part is, I can't just go out to unwind. No malls or big shops. Can't do online shopping, for no more allowance, hehehehe. But the best part, I am able to breathe warm air and feel fresh sunshines. It is really refreshing to study with sunrays hitting your face. It is very much stimulating, like I can feel my neurons are connecting faster and I'm getting more intellectuality functional.
Unlimited coffee and an instant pasta
for tonight's study session
Being away for a few weeks, is somehow, very unusual. I miss my pets. I miss my hamster, I miss my hedgehog, our dog, and I miss Menki, too. We've been fighting a lot lately, and it is really draining. Not healthy when your tired from the chores and being around the house, reading notes that I am not sure if sinking in, I am even lost in reading and watching every lectures that I have, and now this fights. Nights I have to spend crying and my mom comforting me, I can handle physical and mental, but emotional, this will kill me. Menki is my home, my home far way from home. And it breaks me when we fight.
And yeah — everything around this time is draining. Sleep doesn't feel rest anymore, and the day is just to survive and not to thrive.
So I visit churches in the province. I am not religious, but this review era of mine, makes me one. I visit Simbahang Bato and 300 steps in Naujan to pray for my board exam. I even make a request for a mass of wishes in our parish.
Simbahang Bato in Naujan
300 steps Parish in Naujan
Finally, I'm back in the city. I miss the cafes, the shops and the magical coke. But something has been bothering me for a while now. Not academic and family related, but it is my relationship with Menki.
I can't navigate well from academics to love life since the board exams is my top priority. We discussed the matter, decided to reconcile, which mind you is never easy. But what else can I do? We're a couple, it is in the past and there's nothing I can do about it. Right? So instead of dwelling longer about it, I know I just need to move on. But that is one of the hardest thing to do.
Things are getting hectic right now, and to be honest, I don't want to study anymore. I just want to rest. I want to have a deep sleep. I can feel like the chickens of St. Peter will visit me anytime soon. But I can't. I'm too nervous. And keeping it bottled inside is so unsettling. To cope up, I study a lot. I even start studying at 5am, even I start my breakfast. And this is freaking me out! I never do this before, not even in college. Adrenaline can really lift the refrigerator in emergency cases.
Intensive review has concluded, but I enrolled in the All Star, which is kind of expensive. But since this is for education, I think, it gonna be fine. I am so glad that my mom is able to help me financially, because I am telling you, I'm breaking my bank already for all the requirements. This is no longer recorded, so I really have to attend it.
Words of affirmation
A week before exams, Menki got sick. He got a flu. I'm really worried of getting sick, too, which I can't afford because I'm so much invested in this. My mom work so hard in providing my financial needs in all the requirements, I spend time working and submitting papers, I don't have a proper sleep for days that I can no longer remember, I sacrifice my shopping expeditions, and I can't afford to lose it all. I need to make it, even just taking the exams, I am so happy, even just by taking it.
I read important details of every subjects, try to review and go back to my notes on every subjects and my most hated part, but I really appreciate the importance, drills. A lot of drills on each subjects. Practicing this really help me to keep my focus, manage my time and sharpened my critical thinking.
He's been for sick three days. I have to get breakfast at 5:30 in the morning because class starts at 8am. Menki has to take his medicines at 7am, change his clothes, feed him and make sure he rests well. It is just hard to navigate on listening to classes to attending his needs, and with my anxiety, everything is getting mixed up now, and it is driving me to a zombie mode. Ugh.
I went to a church to light up a candle.
Wore a red dress as it symbolizes luck.
Bought some goodluck flowers.
24 hours before board exams. God, I can't focus anymore. I breakdown from time to time, crying with so much confusion — can I be really an RPm or shall I prepare myself in accepting that I can't. I haven't pass any mock boards in our review center and I am not able to answer the mock board for the intensive review, plus, I am not able to finish all the lectures. I don't know. I am not really confident at this point, but if I can fight for a wrong person, I will definitely fight for my license!
I'm receiving good luck messages from family, and it is making me to be more nervous. Ughhhh.
Do it alone, do it scared, do it nervous but
never hungry
Board exam OOTD.
Board exam kit.
This is it. The day of board exams. Menki books me a ride to the testing venue. It is just so annoying because on my NOA we should be there at 6:30 am, but I completely forget it, and leave home at 6:30am. I reach the testing venue at 7:15am, figuring how to find the testing building in the area and when I arrive in my room, they are discussing things already. I'm a little ashamed to repeat few things, but things go smoothly afterwards.
Developmental Psychology and Abnormal Psychology are the tests on the first day. I am so nervous because I feel like, I only answer for 30 mins for each subject, that waiting for the few takers to pass their papers first, feels longer that the time that I actually answered. I call my mom right after I leave the building, telling her that the exams in the review center are actually harder than the actual board exams. The anxiety is crawling at me, for I can't really believe that I find it easy, though, I don't wanna jinx it. I am thinking, probably I don't study enough, or I am just having an imposter syndrome.
Probably what makes the exams hard is not really the items but the length of the test itself. I am taking a break every after 25 items as I am getting drowsy, but, I am making sure that I still have my consciousness alert not to fall asleep. I bring foods that I usually eat during my review at home, to condition my brain that it is not an actual exams and just a review, more of like a mock board, instead. I think this has helped me.
Second day. Last day of the exams. I don't wake Menki up, because I don't want to argue about the time anymore, so I do things on my own. I book my own ride, leave at 5 am, for I have to be in MCU at 7:am. I thought, everything is going smoothly, not until I notice that we are going a wrong way. It is already 6:30am when I notice that I booked a wrong MCU. I am panicking all the way. I call Mom letting her know that I am stuck in the traffic, and I may not be able to make it. After arriving to the university, I ran as fast as I could, to reach my room. I am literally crying in the porch. The proctor accepts me in, then I settle down.
My heart is heavy because I feel like Menki doesn't take care of my needs. I feel so napabayaan. But God has a plan for me.
Industrial/Organization Psychology and Psychological Assessment. Industrial is my enemy. It is so hard, like, real hard. I can't even differentiate Open Systems from Contingency but I know that I read it from my reviewers. I don't know how to sit well on my seat because I am trying to remember things. I am able to finish my whole ziplock of gummies on this test. This is the hardest subject for me.
But you know what else is hard? Staying awake. I can't help it but to actually feel sleepy while taking the exams. I can't even lower my head on the table, or try to close my eyes for too long because I am afraid that I may fall asleep. The anxiety is really confused now. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Right after the board exams, I take my medications for bipolar disorder. For like a week before the result is out, I don't have anything to do but to sleep whole day.
And here comes the result. I am sleeping, because I really don't know what else to do. I'm sleepy and groggy, I don't even know the last time I showered.
Menki calls me several times but I can't answer. My sister mentions me in our family group chat of me passing the exams, that's where I knew I passed. Kei called and messaged me, but I respond late.
Thank you so much, JRU!
That's the annoying part. I can feel the extreme happiness overflowing, but I can't really express it because my medications alter how I express things. All the hardwork, sacrifices and sleepless night pay off. I feel like the moment for me to be celebrating for that milestone is stolen, but, this is how I appreciate things.
I strongly believe, I am meant here. I believe that this is my calling. For all the struggles and hardships, I make it happen. Reviewing for a year, I have been looking forward for this. I imagine me, passing the board exams with tears and my own speech that I will be posting in my social media accounts. I almost not been able to take the exams, but this God intervenes, which brings me here. I believe that I can make it happen, so it did.
I learn the value of sacrifice, grounding myself from buying impulsively (still I am, but I am trying to lessen buying things that I don't really need), hardwork, determination, and most of all, discipline. A thing that is still a work in progress.
Now that I have my license and I can practice my craft, it is time for me to return the favor back to the universe.
Oath taking dump —
Mandatory shot before anything else happens.
The main event — the Oath.
Credits to Kei.
Credits to Kei.
Credits to Kei.
1 year in BSIS, 2 years in BSA, 4 years AB-Psych, 1 year of review...
and here I am, standing next to you, a licensed psychometrician.
Mental disorder is not a limitation, it is a diversity.
So much love,
Zoey ♡
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