It is the Trauma, Not Just You
Let's discuss trauma?
Trauma comes in many forms — emotional, physical and psychological.
As a future therapist, I can say that somehow along the way, I know and truly understand psychological trauma. Trst me, this has been something that I am trying to break, up to the point that at my age, I don't have plans to have a child and not yet ready to get married.
My young adulthood phase, probably with the help of therapy and anti-psychotics, and with my degree, made me understand more of how the brain works alongside with the limbic system — the one responsible with our emotions. I got to face my demons, befriended and healed them and got a chance to live with them peacefully until a breakup with my boyfriend happened. ( We broke up in April 2024 and got back again in July 2024 )
The wounds of the past resurfaced again. As my psychiatrist said, I have issues with rejection and abandonment. I felt that after my parents separated when I was eight years old. I was a daddy’s girl, so I wasn’t able to establish a good relationship with my mom. I wasn’t physically hurt, but my feelings were dismissed and my emotional support was always neglected.
When we broke up, I got rejected and abandoned again, but a big part of that was somehow, attended to, because we got back again and decided to live together — the most stressful but fulfilling decision I ever made.
Same as me, my boyfriend got abandonment and had rejection issues when his dad and mom were separated as well, he lived with his mom and her mom’s boyfriend, which was a not-so-pleasing setup. So the cold shoulders of the parents, the neglect, the dismissal and the lack of support were common things that we shared, and I thought before, because we understood and truly knew how it felt, probably we could hit it off and had a different course along the way. But it was a roller coaster ride.
He got aggressive when he was mad, saying curses at me. Well, it was normal in my guardian’s place, so at first a few times, it was no biggie. Perhaps, he was just so furious and it was all my fault. Until it became a habit. Everytime we argued, he cursed at me. Everytime I pointed out his cursing, suddenly, I was the problem. I’ve learned to curse back, too, but I always reminded myself that me cursing back was not me. Until it got so worse, that I got fed up and stopped communicating at all.
And hello verbal abuse, welcome trauma.
Feelings are always valid, but your behavior is not. And abusing others in any form shouldn’t be tolerated. Many of you would say, I should leave. If I leave, I will be able to save myself, but the damage I am doing to someone who is damaged already, how is that? I know the feeling of being left out, my boyfriend knows it, too. Will it do us any good?
I guess, it will just traumatize us even more for the belief that no one from us is capable of staying despite the flaws. That no one from us is enough to fill the void inside. Don’t get me wrong, abusive in any form shouldn't be tolerated but as a therapist, I got to understand that abusers are the most abused persons. They pass the trauma in a cycle because that is how they are raised. Understanding that part, makes me feel responsible. I am not perfect, and when things get worse, we both get triggers that put ourselves in defense, thinking only how to save ourselves from the pain, making the argument a lot worse.
His healing is not my job, it’s his own responsibility. Fixing what can be the triggers of his aggressive behaviour is something that, maybe, I can control. It’s unethical for me to provide psychological services to my boyfriend, but I can always have other people to help me with his case. Trauma can’t be healed by simply leaving. A trauma can cause another trauma, and another, and another — the way it is passed on. A trauma can’t be healed by causing another trauma, too.
Leaving him will not end it. It will be passed on to a different girl, might be. And the cycle of generational trauma continues.
To be honest, we will not explode if I tolerate it. I’m actually fighting my way in our relationship, because I can see through it, a possible mental illness, that can be the main issue of the outbursts, of the dominant attitude, domineering ego especially when I don’t submit. Something that not everyone can comprehend, though.
When you get to understand that trauma isn’t something that they have a choice to get away from, you somehow realize, that they are forced to live in it — until they are strong enough to realize the damage it causes them, for themselves and for others, they will continue to harbor these bad habits, not because they are aware of abusing others, but as a defense mechanism. They know it’s deviated, not normal, but they never got to fully grasp that what they are doing is traumatic towards others because they see it as a way of protecting themselves. And that’s what happens, every time. These are unhealed and open wounds unconsciously sitting there and when they get hit by the rock (triggers) they reappear again.
I am staying, not because I can’t leave, but I won’t leave. I want to end this trauma, and the only way of doing that is by starting here.
Love,
Zoey
Comments
Post a Comment