The How Of Us

My boyfriend and I were fighting more frequently as I was away from our home — and distance and time were, like, major factors that stirred our relationship up.

Just like Primo and George, we both have dreams and goals that we are still figuring out how we can both achieve. These differences bring us into conflict as priorities change, availability becomes a problem and these things yield different feelings that make the relationship go south.

My boyfriend is a professional player in esports and as things are not in the better position for him, and as he works his way back to the scene, his priorities affect me. Not mentioning that he has his 9-6 job, too. Because of that he puts less time, effort and priority in me as his ways of achieving his dream.

And I —I have a mental disorder — bipolar mood disorder. I easily feel abandoned and rejected, that I feel I am being dismissed everytime I am not attended to, if I have this extensive emotions going on. I also have dreams, like being known in the esports industry, a dream made because I wanna be with him, and to be a psychologist. These dreams require more effort and time, but unlike him, he is always a part of my schedule and everyday life.

That sounds really unfair, but as I think of it — that is me, more of me, and not just him. If you get what I mean.

Well, like Primo — my boyfriend is still figuring things out. He doesn’t know how to organize and categorize his workloads and schedule unlike me who always has time for things that matter.  He wants to be known so organizations will consider hiring him in a team. He gets pressured of not being enough (as I always find ways whenever there is a problem), and even though he wants to give me the best of everything, he just can’t because I am more capable than him.

And me like, George — I got tired. Tired of understanding, tired of being supportive, tired of waiting, tired of fixing things. I’m so tired of it that I forgot to be patient. 

I mean — lack of time, respect and not being prioritized are red flags in a relationship, but sure as hell, that he is also tired of messing up. For sure, he is also tired of failing and not providing for me.

And everytime my boyfriend cries when I always say, I’d give up — it makes my heart shrink. I see myself in him. I was once in that position, too. I was once the messy one. Myself, who tries her best to be better. Myself, who chases things that she is good at. Myself, who tries. Myself, who gives her best shot. Myself, who wishes to be supported no matter what the outcome will be.

My boyfriend may not really stop me from becoming myself, but like Primo, he looks like a burden, a mess from constant failure and me — who constantly catches his failed ass,  and like George — I’m tired of leaving myself behind for not considering my feelings. I’m tired of being the man of the relationship.

After watching the movie, it makes me realize that I need to be more patient with him, and less hard on myself. Being unavailable doesn’t mean rejection and just like me — he has priorities to make for himself. I should be a little kinder to myself. It makes me think that we have a separate dream —  and both of our dreams require understanding and commitment as we both wanted to build a legacy in our respective field. And since, we both have dreams to achieve and selves to work on, we shouldn’t be letting these challenges come between us, but rather a motivational force that after all the hard work we put to make our relationship work, is something that we will be proud of. That not just because we made it, but because it brought us closer together.

Love, 

Zoey