This Is Me : A Bipolar Girl

 

Dear Universe, 

I was diagnosed of Bipolar Mood Disorder 1 when I was 24 years old. I thought it is just a simple breakup blues, until I can't sleep anymore and function as usual.

2019 when I started to take antipsychotic meds. It took as seven months to get the right combination of meds, until later on I have murder thought and has been self-harming.

The satisfaction of pain, thrilled me once. Pain turned to comfort and fright became amazement. Don't get me wrong, I know it is wrong — to harm yourself — but the urge is so unstoppable and the pain changes to yearning. Yearning to end the pain from my heart and to transfer it to the different parts of my body.

I spent five years of my life in antipsychotics, lived the side effects and fake every important event to a happy me, when the reality, no emotions reach me. Like I know how to get social cues — when I should be happy and when I should not — but feeling it, I can't. It feels that I'm emotionally numb. Living, breathing but not feeling.

So 2024, I decided to stop my medication. It feels illegal, but I get to live with it. Probably the only differences now are that people around me know that I have bipolar and I somehow managed to accept some things as they are. I'm still reactive to my environment, as trauma still talks to me and depressive episodes and breakdowns visit me sometimes, but I get to survive every emotional storms that come on my way.

My life as a bipolar doesn't end after stopping my medication. It feels so illegal, but I have a say on the things that I want to feel and now that I am off the meds, I can say that I am pretty happy feeling the emotions that I can't feel before. It gets really messy and chaotic but these are the parts of me. And if you want me in your life, you should embrace my demons together.

If you ask me if I am missing my meds, the answer is no. It's true that I can't eat or drink anything aside from antipsychotics to balance the neurotransmitters in my brain but I'm capable of making decisions — that most of the times are reckless — but, I'm learning how to behave like a normal person. Maybe I little too wild, but I'm getting there.

Love,

Zoey